More Than Anything

« Mar

LOOK HERE!

LIFE AND THE PURSUIT OF MORE OF IT

More Than Anything

April 15, 2020

Ihave a friend who drove over 30 hours to be with her mom. That, in and of itself is no biggie, she is pretty badass, but under the current circumstances, where nothing is certain, and leaving your home is a foolhardy risk, it was a courageous act of love. 

This season that we are going through is not only serving to prove to ourselves what we are capable of, but also revealing how the choices we’ve made in the past are helping, or hindering, us now. 

Just about every day there is a recount of how others are choosing to show up as their  higher selves by donating, volunteering, or even holding vigil for all those affected. There is also mention of those of us who still choose to fraternize in large groups or otherwise disregard the mandate to “shelter at home”. We all see it everyday; the things that make us proud of or lose hope in humanity.

But more than anything, I am most curious about how we will show up after this season has passed. After we have mourned the lives lost, after we have had time to heal physically and emotionally, after the news quits covering COVID-19, what new decisions about our lives will we have made? Will we vow to love harder? Will we promise to treat our bodies and minds better? Will we treat those different from us any differently; with love, respect, and dare I say compassion? Are we willing to change? In a way I feel like that is what this is all about; with all its devastating and heartbreaking casualties; a monumental lesson that is catapulting us – hurling us even – into a very new existence. Who will you be?

I Need a Do Over

I yelled at my boyfriend tonight. I yelled to his face and said curse words. And you know what’s funny about it? I wasn’t even mad! I was confused, maybe triggered, scared, and absolutely full of ego. I apologized shortly afterwards and went home to decompress.

On the drive home, I had an indescribable feeling. It was and is hard to pinpoint. And I think in a nutshell it was that I was very uncomfortable with my behavior; with what I allowed to come forth and who I was in that moment. And even as I yelled at my sweet boyfriend, I was thinking, “Kia, what you are doing right now is greatly disproportionate to how you are feeling.” Yet I just couldn’t stop. He had a smirk on his face which should have made me madder, but it didn’t. The truth is I was not mad at all! I was confused, and anxious and drawing on past experiences with men who once were in my life. I was wondering, “Is this the correct response? You have to let them know that you are serious or they’ll keep doing the same thing”. In essence, I was acting; acting like I thought I should have acted when those previous men did what they did to demean, dismiss, or dog me. And I had no proof that my boyfriend had done any of those things. It really could have been just a great big misunderstanding. It really could have been Mercury retrograde going out with a fucking bang!

At any rate, I am plenty sorry now. It seems as I take two steps forward, I am set back by one. I work so hard on being the best me I can be, even if that means accepting those dark parts of myself. And just when I thought I was getting somewhere, out jumps the past. I thought I’d left it behind. I read all the good relationship articles, practiced saying all the right things- even believe a lot of them- and had gotten really good at portraying myself in a certain light. But once I turned on the light to examine my actions, I realized that there is still part of me that doesn’t know what the fuck I’m doing.

I hope he forgives me and that we can deal with rest from there. I’m going to bed.

But if he did do something, I’ll find out. 👀

What Will Your Legacy Be?

Shared from thehappyhamm.com entry on January 29, 2020

As people are lamenting the tragic passing of Kobe, his daughter, and the seven others that consisted of women, men, and children, in that fateful helicopter accident, it seems they are also reflecting upon the brevity of life and the importance of family. When I heard the news, it immediately brought denial then sadness. All of the passengers were young enough still to accomplish so many of their goals and dreams. Now, granted, no matter how old someone is when they leave this earth, it is always too soon to someone who loves them, but still, I am always saddened when it seems people leave so seemingly early. 

Later on in the day, as momentum picked up and more and more reports detailing the many accomplishments of Kobe started pouring in, the word “purpose” came to mind. No doubt, Kobe, as well as the others who perished had so much more to contribute to their families, communities, even the world. As Kobe was the most widely known person on that helicopter, I can say with assurance that he leaves behind one hell of a legacy. He fulfilled at the very least one purpose that he was sent here to fulfill. 

He was a beast on the court who inspired sports fans and non-sports fans alike, and had not too long ago scored an Oscar! Based on what I’d seen of him in his later years, he was a man of integrity who was not afraid to work hard for his dreams to come true, and inspired others to do the same.

Now, the majority of us might be past our prime as far as professional sports are concerned, and many of us may never grace the stage in front of millions to receive an award. But that does not mean that our purpose, however large or small, cannot be achieved. 

The thing that this tragedy impressed most upon me was to urge myself, and anyone who cares to listen, to LIVE YOUR DREAMS! Whatever the Creator has placed in your heart to accomplish, do everything within your power to Get. It. Done. Your calling may be to heal, to teach, to entertain, lend a listening ear, to guide…provide, or a combination of any of those things. Do those things. And do them with such fervor and sense of service that you can’t helped but feel blessed because you are reppin’ the Creator!

None of us, not one, knows which day will be our last. And wouldn’t it be a shame to take to the grave the gifts with which you were bestowed, to leave your song unsung, and to leave this plane with a ‘what if’ in your heart.  That is a whole other kind of tragedy, but one that can be prevented

And don’t just do it for the money and the recognition or “likes”. Do it out of love. For what is done in love blesses and lives on. Nothing outside of love matters. Neither beef, nor bag matter at the end of the day because the ONLY thing that remains after you are gone is the love you gave and the love from and of those you leave behind. By all means, leave behind the legacy of your choosing, but please, let it include love.

Birthplace of the Soul – Reggie K.Son & Kia

When I Get That Feeling; Self Healing

Shared from thehappyhamm.com January 23, 2020 entry.

In my humble opinion and personal experience, healing your whole body encompasses the healing of the physical, mental, emotional, and spiritual. Do some of those overlap? Maybe. Let’s just say it needs to be all encompassing to lead to optimal alignment. Does that sound like a lot? If it does, it’s because it is. I am careful not to label things hard or easy/good or bad, but there is no getting around it being some serious, get down –n- dirty, and necessary work!

For the last few years, I have been hearing the phrase, “Do the work”, in regards to personal growth. But WTF does that even mean??? I would get so frustrated because, hell, I was getting up in the morning, reading affirmations, acting positively, naming & claiming, and starting more vision boards that I could keep track of, but I was still in a self-perceived rut! Well after numerous meltdowns and going through the Three C’s, confusion, crying, and complaining, I came to realize that the work “they” had been talking about came into play only after I’d done all the other stuff and found myself no better off for it.  After I got good and tired of MYSELF I started asking the hard questions. “Why is this not working for me?” “What part am I playing in these failed attempts to fully realize and experience my desires?” “What kind of person am I, even?” I started to delve into certain habits and characteristics that I embodied. My motives, and intentions were investigated.  I began to observe and eventually monitor my thoughts. And I must admit, there was some pretty fucked up shit floating around en mi cabeza. I found floating around in there on a daily basis feelings of unworthiness, doubt, lack, and resentment. Now don’t get me wrong, there was joy, occasional stints of peace, a BUNCH of love, and a whole stock pile of memes I’d meant to post to Instagram. I figured out, however, that these negative thoughts were occurring enough to spill out of my mind, into my actions, and had been affecting my life in a very concrete way!  They manifested as self-sabotage in my career, education, and relationships. They showed up as doubt in my gifts, which led to procrastination because I was afraid to fail. These negative thoughts and ideas also led to resentment of myself and others, as I felt I was not where I should be in life. Some of these thoughts may have even, dare I say, been instrumental in illness I experience(d). 

Figuring out what things about me were positive and brought light to my life as well as confronting what parts of me I wanted to keep hidden from the light of day was and is WORK! It’s the job each of us has daily if we want to begin to achieve a level of harmony in our lives that enables the joy, peace, and love to manifest outwardly and bring to us what we desire. 

Acceptance of those inner emotional & mental behaviors and habits, whether we perceive them as positive or negative, is what I call accepting the “entire self”. Balancing, or in some cases changing them altogether, to reflect the you that you want to be is growth! Growth starts the path to enlightenment. Enlightenment leads to consciously working out what you need to in order to better serve yourself and those around you. And who knows? Maybe one day it will become so thoroughly ingrained that it becomes subconscious work. This subconscious work will pave the way to total body healing; the health of your whole being! ❤

This is by no means meant to be a comprehensive guide to self-healing, only something to think about along our journey.

Wishes of happy healing from The Happy Hamm ☺

The Happy Hamm’s Big Debut

Shared from my January 14, 2020 entry at thehappyhamm.com

So, I consider this the real 1st day of my “blog life”. When I thought about starting a blog, roughly around 200 years ago, I thought it would be a great idea because there are so many other blogs/vlogs I enjoy. I thought, “Man, I think I’d like to do that!” I’m always talking to myself, doing stuff, trying things, and giving recommendations. Why not do it on a public platform, if only for poops and giggles! And here I is. Now again, this may begin kind of randomly. I’ve already pulled over posts from my much neglected WordPress blog. (Some of those may be TMI, and for that, I apologize.) But I must say that I look forward to you all taking this journey with me. We are family. There is no escape. I am your captain now

So anywho, back to it being what I call my 1st official blog day; it is also my 1st day back at the trap. That’s right, I am just returning from a full four day weekend. I ate massive amounts, slept ALL the way in, and basically lived what would have been my best life if I hadn’t had a sore throat, ear and headache. *womp, womp* That foolishness started with just a mild tickle/irritation in my throat at the beginning of the week. I, fancying myself Super Woman, figured I could just sweat whatever it was out at the gym. Lies. Things got progressively worse until I lay sniveling and snottin’ in a fetal position in my bed. About a good 3 whole days had gone by and Airborne had done its very best and Thera-Flu did nothing at all except upset my stomach, when I remembered what usually worked to cut a bug short. I don’t know what took me so long to remember, but I finally dragged myself outta bed, out of the house and to Whole Foods to pick up some Sovereign Silver colloidal silver. By that night I felt better. Not good, but better. By the next day, Saturday, I was able to go to the studio, bang out a collaboration and croak it into the mic; for reference purposes only. That pretty much plumb tuckered me out.  I went straight home, ate, and sleep quickly overtook me. Sunday (continuing on with my colloidal silver) I woke up feeling pretty energetic, and commenced to wash dishes, vacuum, and do laundry! Shortly thereafter I thought I might need a blood transfusion, but settled for a 10 minute nap instead. Met my love for lunch @ P.S & Co., (You MUST go.), stopped at the mall to get my brows and ‘stache threaded and headed to my mother’s where I was promptly enlisted to cook green beans (which were complained about during dinner, but I digress). All that to say, I could have taken my silver days ago, and used those work hours to do something fun!  

This realization stopped me in my tracks. Had I really forgotten about the natural remedies I’d used successfully time and time again, or was it my hamster wheel of a life that keeps me so mentally preoccupied and out of touch that I just couldn’t tap in and hear that little voice that was clear when my body finally forced me to “saddown”? It just so happens that this four day stretch was the 1st time in some time that I’d actually sat still and prayed, meditated, and shouted out my ancestors and it felt so GOOD

What have you been missing or neglecting in your life? Has quality time with your family or quiet time for yourself been sacrificed during the day in day out, same day different doody life? Doing for others and prioritizing responsibilities is a wonderful thing and part of life. But what about YOU? What about your life? I can’t say I’ve got it figured out at all, but I am going to keep seeking balance, and if not balance, at least harmony between all the activities; self-imposed and/or necessary. As a wise friend once told me, “If you can’t figure it out, God will figure it out for you.” Well, I don’t want that to happen. I’d like to stay one step ahead of that game. Things could have been way worse. 

Before I forget, if you’re interested in colloidal silver as an immune boosting agent (it has many other uses), here’s a link: https://amzn.to/35S14vP

Welp, I must’ve talked your heads clean off by now. So, byeeee! And thanks for reading! ☺

Deadlifts are LIFE!

My back, my aching back!!!!

I’m currently sitting at my desk wondering why now? Why now, at 44 years of age, have I decided to incorporate deadlifts into my gym routine? “It’ll be FUN, “they said. I even read that it’s a one stop shop, total body workout. Well if it’s total body, why is only my back hurting?!?! Not that I want my whole body to hurt, I’m just sayin’. I watched YouTube video demonstrations, read a few articles while I was supposed to be working, really focused on my form, and started with a weight I thought was appropriate. Yet and still….YEOUCH!

Yes, I realize that maintaining bone density is important; especially as we grow older. I also understand that deadlifts are an exercise that improve everyday functionality. And yes, I do want all of that. But at what cost? Am I willing to endure week after week of aches and pains just to prevent brittle bones and walk up a flight of stairs with multiple grocery bags with ease? Perhaps. But the real reason I am going to not only master this particular exercise but mayhaps even increase the weight lifted exponentially, is because…. I’m VAIN!!! There! I said it. If this one exercise is gonna make my booty pop, increase leg strength that might aid in bedroom acrobatics, and improve my posture to that of a sexy, but well balanced yogi, then hells YEAH, I’ll endure this pain.

*Yeouch*

In All of Our Complex Simplicity

In our everyday living … our meting out and measuring…taking and giving…judging and meriting, it is very easy to quickly take things at face value. It helps us to decide what might be a waste of time or what might be worthwhile. Such quick “discernment” can even serve as protection over our lives. The act of judgement is indeed a gift and sometimes necessary, but on the flip side, it can cause you to miss something that might serve you well; in that way, judgement could become a curse.

This weekend this was impressed upon me, as I was surrounded by a large and lively crowd. As so much was going on, the introductions were brief and superficial, the libations flowed freely, and it was all too easy and convenient to let the person’s outer appearance and brief sound bite of a conversation lead you to believe that you knew all there was to know about them. And that was what I did at the time, but the next day as I recovered and allowed my mind to relive some of the fun I’d had, I couldn’t help but slow down those conversations, review those views expressed, and the looks exchanged, and start to see some of the depth just below the surface. What my ponderings revealed to me was that people are both so simple and yet very complex. And while it can be beneficial to sometimes take things/people at face value, we’d be very remiss to dismiss the notion that there are many factors that make up who a person is…many ways that they may express themselves…and many emotions, and behaviors lying right beneath the surface. The life circumstances that create these expressions of self are a whole other story altogether!!

You ever get to “know” someone and then one day they do or say something so divinely profound or just as equally repugnant, and you think to yourself, “I would never have thought that of them!” Well, that’s what you get for thinking. ☺ Once I stopped (over) thinking, analyzing and judging, it was revealed to me that it is possible to admire someone for some things, while completely disagreeing with them about others. It is possible for a person to be great in their own right, but not perfect. It is possible to even adore someone while not necessarily overlooking their perceived faults, but accepting them wholeheartedly in spite of them. And most of all, in all of our complexity, it is still very easy to love. 

Leave it to me to go to a party and leave with a life lesson. 

8/26/19

K. Hamm

This Grey Beard™ (Episode 1)

I remember having a good chuckle after hearing the cries of dismay from my sister; four years my senior. I recall outright guffawing when being presented with actual evidence…sprouting from my aunt’s chin! Evidence of what, you ask? Evidence that women, too, are prone to grow beards! Who knew?!?!

Well, I laughed giddily and heartily, never expecting to know such horrors.

Fast forward to approximately 20 years later, and yours truly has also sprouted hairs on her chinny chin chin! *GASP* Now, I, once youthful, footloose and fancy free, am the amusement of family, lovers, and friends alike; my only commiserates the matriarchs who I so readily ridiculed. FML!!! (not really, tho). How did I get here???Why does this happen?? And how do these wiry suckas have the NERVE to grow in a steely grey?!?!? The GALL!

Welcome to This Grey Beard; a place where I shall share the pain (and joys) of continued growth.

black hog prone lying on soil under shade of tree
Actual footage of The (not so) Happy Hamm/Photo by Magda Ehlers on Pexels.com

Ghost of Christmas Zzzzz…

The night before last, as I lay slumbering in my bed, SOMEthing poked me about 2-3 times on my left shoulder. Now, this was after SOMEthing kind of smothered me and took my breath until I swatted it away; except there was nothing there! I just kind of swatted at air and then could breathe again. In between those 2 instances, I vaguely remember feeling a bit of pressure on me as well. Some hours after I had awakened  fully and started my day, I likened it to a naughty kid ghost, fckn around with a live body.

But I have to admit, at 1st I thought it was my ex. After all, she had been in my dream just before the physical sensations started, and I wouldn’t be surprised as she was (is?) into the paranormal. It’s something that we shared. I, however, have my limits, lol.

However, now that I think about it, there wasn’t a feeling of terror associated with it, which is good, I guess. And when I think even harder, perhaps this ties in with me waking up at 3 am for about a week straight! (I did not like that.) Maybe Gawd is tryna tell me something!!

Well, make it plain. I needs ma’ sleep.

Girl…. We need to Talk.

I just finished (a few hours ago) having the best hour and a half conversation with my girl! We hadn’t talked in a few months, only shared hearts and “likes” in passing on social media, but ‘chu know, the love is there.

All that to say that I am SO glad I called. She’d been on my mind lately, but I kept dismissing making a phone call because….well…. people out there livin’, and I don’t want to interrupt that. I had forgotten how important it is to check in with your tribe. Now, I gotta admit, mine is small, and on some very low days, I’ve felt like I didn’t belong to one at all!

Turns out, I had been on her mind as well and HONEY, by the time we ended the conversation, I was lifted ALL the way up (on a Tuesday!). I hope I was able to shed some light on her as well.

I guess this one was just for me. 🙂