I’m currently sitting at my desk wondering why now? Why now, at 44 years of age, have I decided to incorporate deadlifts into my gym routine? “It’ll be FUN, “they said. I even read that it’s a one stop shop, total body workout. Well if it’s total body, why is only my back hurting?!?! Not that I want my whole body to hurt, I’m just sayin’. I watched YouTube video demonstrations, read a few articles while I was supposed to be working, really focused on my form, and started with a weight I thought was appropriate. Yet and still….YEOUCH!
Yes, I realize that maintaining bone density is important; especially as we grow older. I also understand that deadlifts are an exercise that improve everyday functionality. And yes, I do want all of that. But at what cost? Am I willing to endure week after week of aches and pains just to prevent brittle bones and walk up a flight of stairs with multiple grocery bags with ease? Perhaps. But the real reason I am going to not only master this particular exercise but mayhaps even increase the weight lifted exponentially, is because…. I’m VAIN!!! There! I said it. If this one exercise is gonna make my booty pop, increase leg strength that might aid in bedroom acrobatics, and improve my posture to that of a sexy, but well balanced yogi, then hells YEAH, I’ll endure this pain.
In our everyday living … our meting out and measuring…taking and giving…judging and meriting, it is very easy to quickly take things at face value. It helps us to decide what might be a waste of time or what might be worthwhile. Such quick “discernment” can even serve as protection over our lives. The act of judgement is indeed a gift and sometimes necessary, but on the flip side, it can cause you to miss something that might serve you well; in that way, judgement could become a curse.
This weekend this was impressed upon me, as I was surrounded by a large and lively crowd. As so much was going on, the introductions were brief and superficial, the libations flowed freely, and it was all too easy and convenient to let the person’s outer appearance and brief sound bite of a conversation lead you to believe that you knew all there was to know about them. And that was what I did at the time, but the next day as I recovered and allowed my mind to relive some of the fun I’d had, I couldn’t help but slow down those conversations, review those views expressed, and the looks exchanged, and start to see some of the depth just below the surface. What my ponderings revealed to me was that people are both so simple and yet very complex. And while it can be beneficial to sometimes take things/people at face value, we’d be very remiss to dismiss the notion that there are many factors that make up who a person is…many ways that they may express themselves…and many emotions, and behaviors lying right beneath the surface. The life circumstances that create these expressions of self are a whole other story altogether!!
You ever get to “know” someone and then one day they do or say something so divinely profound or just as equally repugnant, and you think to yourself, “I would never have thought that of them!” Well, that’s what you get for thinking. ☺ Once I stopped (over) thinking, analyzing and judging, it was revealed to me that it is possible to admire someone for some things, while completely disagreeing with them about others. It is possible for a person to be great in their own right, but not perfect. It is possible to even adore someone while not necessarily overlooking their perceived faults, but accepting them wholeheartedly in spite of them. And most of all, in all of our complexity, it is still very easy to love.
Leave it to me to go to a party and leave with a life lesson.
I remember having a good chuckle after hearing the cries of dismay from my sister; four years my senior. I recall outright guffawing when being presented with actual evidence…sprouting from my aunt’s chin! Evidence of what, you ask? Evidence that women, too, are prone to grow beards! Who knew?!?!
Well, I laughed giddily and heartily, never expecting to know such horrors.
Fast forward to approximately 20 years later, and yours truly has also sprouted hairs on her chinny chin chin! *GASP* Now, I, once youthful, footloose and fancy free, am the amusement of family, lovers, and friends alike; my only commiserates the matriarchs who I so readily ridiculed. FML!!! (not really, tho). How did I get here???Why does this happen?? And how do these wiry suckas have the NERVE to grow in a steely grey?!?!? The GALL!
Welcome to This Grey Beard; a place where I shall share the pain (and joys) of continued growth.
The night before last, as I lay slumbering in my bed, SOMEthing poked me about 2-3 times on my left shoulder. Now, this was after SOMEthing kind of smothered me and took my breath until I swatted it away; except there was nothing there! I just kind of swatted at air and then could breathe again. In between those 2 instances, I vaguely remember feeling a bit of pressure on me as well. Some hours after I had awakened fully and started my day, I likened it to a naughty kid ghost, fckn around with a live body.
But I have to admit, at 1st I thought it was my ex. After all, she had been in my dream just before the physical sensations started, and I wouldn’t be surprised as she was (is?) into the paranormal. It’s something that we shared. I, however, have my limits, lol.
However, now that I think about it, there wasn’t a feeling of terror associated with it, which is good, I guess. And when I think even harder, perhaps this ties in with me waking up at 3 am for about a week straight! (I did not like that.) Maybe Gawd is tryna tell me something!!
I just finished (a few hours ago) having the best hour and a half conversation with my girl! We hadn’t talked in a few months, only shared hearts and “likes” in passing on social media, but ‘chu know, the love is there.
All that to say that I am SO glad I called. She’d been on my mind lately, but I kept dismissing making a phone call because….well…. people out there livin’, and I don’t want to interrupt that. I had forgotten how important it is to check in with your tribe. Now, I gotta admit, mine is small, and on some very low days, I’ve felt like I didn’t belong to one at all!
Turns out, I had been on her mind as well and HONEY, by the time we ended the conversation, I was lifted ALL the way up (on a Tuesday!). I hope I was able to shed some light on her as well.
Today…. I just wanna cuss, but I won’t. There are a whole list of things I could be p’od about, and I am very much tempted to list them here. I won’t. Why? Not because it’s a new year and a new me; because it isn’t. I’m still the same woman I was midnight, December 31st 2017, and time is a man-made constraint. I choose not to list or even dwell on the things that could put me in a less than stellar mood. One of my new favorite quotes by Louise Hay (RIP) is, “I am no longer curious about things that will upset me.” I’ve decided to make that (one of) my mottos. Not just for the new year, but fo’ life, fo’ life, MAC 10!…. I digress.
How many times have you let your mind run away with, or even fabricate a negative story? What your snippety co-worker might say tomorrow, how terrible you know people are going to drive because it’s raining, and someone is sure to cut you off. These things have yet to happen, and to be honest, the likelihood is low, but now you’re already pissed. And who do you have to have to blame? Yo damn self, that’s who. Now I don’t know if anybody can relate, but I just spoke a mighty word to myself!!
I’m gonna make a game out of it; this consistent positive thinking, ’cause Lord KNOWS it ain’t always easy for me. While I’m at it, I might as well throw in being consistently honest with myself, and speaking up and out. Combine those things with some self care routines, like taking time alone to read, meditate, or soak in a hot tub, and immediately negating any negative self-talk, and I think I might have found receipe for success, on many levels!
Today is Monday, November 13th. About a week and a half ago, I felt a nudge – from my angels maybe – to update my resume. Why? I’ve only been at this job for 3 months!! I listened, however, and not only updated it, but put a couple out there…you know, just for the hell of it. Long story short – today I found that they are eliminating my department, but I had already scored 2 interviews for this week on my off day, so……winning!